Amy's View

Quote of the week

2008-11-23T20:03:00.001Z

"I have a mustard seed, and I'm not afraid to use it."
Pope Benedict XVI

What is left.

2008-11-22T13:52:00.003Z

There is a lovely lady at our church who has Alzheimer's. She has very little memory left, and frequently doesn't who where she is. She also can no longer remember who people are, including her family. Do you know the thing she can remember? That Jesus loves her. That God is good. That she will be going to heaven. And although she is sometimes confused she is also full of joys and smiles. And I am humbled and amazed by the grace of God. I know that this is not true of all people with Alzheimer's. Some people suffer a lot. But for this lady who has lost so much to this horrid disease the fact that God is good and loves her remains. And is shines out of her.

I have a totally unproved theory that in heaven God keeps our memories safe. All those things we forget. The way our children looked the first time we saw them, our own first glimpses of the world. They are all kept safe for us. And I look forward to seeing this lovely lady again. She will be with the Lord she loves so much, she will have the same joy and she will be restored.

Poorly

2008-11-13T10:21:00.002Z

I have been ill. It was either a tummy bug or IBS that gets me sometimes. Either way I am well on the mend now. And I can only see it as a blessing (odd that). I really do believe that "all things work together for good". I have been so blessed with a fantastic husband who constantly puts us all before himself (and work). He stayed at home and looked after the girls so that I could rest and get better.
The other way it has been a blessing is that today, as I have no energy at all, I have put all those thing I "have" to do on hold. I have spent a really lovely morning with Tilly and Evelyn just playing on the floor and reading stories. It has been really lovely. And I think we have all benefited from some chill out time. My to-do-list has only 2 things on it today and one of them was writ ting this blog! The other was to change the CD's in the car, which I have also done. So all in all being ill was not nice at all (and I pray that my girls don't catch it). But the end result has been a blessing. I need to get down on the floor to play more often without illness dragging me there.

Modesty - a thought (and a bit of a rant)

2008-11-08T21:13:00.007Z

Some people think I am a bit of a prude. Some people think I am odd and go over the top but I am a BIG fan of modesty. I am not talking about Laura Ashley dresses here, I am talking about being attractive, not attracting. (I stole that phrase from someone else!) I think we give men a really hard time. We all know that men are very visually focused and yet we continue to taunt them by wearing things that aren't ...er...helpful.

So you know what I am talking about when I say modesty here are the guide lines I have set myself and my girls. Skirts should be no shorter than knee length, trousers shouldn't hug bottoms too much , no bare midriffs, shoulders covered, no sexual/demeaning slogans. (I can't believe I have to say this about "children's" clothes.) The list could go on but you get the idea.

I think this has really begun to be an issue for me since I have had my 3 girls. I think that anything I expect them to do I should be doing already. I should be setting the example. I am also the one to teach them about modesty. I want them to start now so it isn't something that is suddenly imposed when they hit the pre-teen age. So I have started thinking a lot about what I wear and how covered I am. I have read LOADS of really encouraging things on line and it is good to know that there are others who share this view point. What worries me is how hard it is to find funky clothes that are modest (and not too expensive). I have taken to buying school skirts a couple of sizes to large for Martha just so they reach her knee. And it is getting harder and harder to buy clothes that cover my children. (I am very grateful for the recent rise in long skirts and tunic tops for me!)

I was shocked and horrified the other day when I saw a 4 year old girl wear a denim mini-skirt. It was barely long enough to cover her bottom. Yes, she was wearing thick tights but what sort of message are we sending out when we let our children dress like this. I think we are taking away their innocence. They should be given the chance to be children. They should not be dressed in scanty sexualising clothes. I want my girls to be known as people who love and care, who are helpful and considerate. I want people to see 'them', not what they look like. I want boys (in the very distant future) to notice their personalities before thinking them "fit". I also want them to not be stumbling point for men.

I am only at the beginning of this and am searching for the way forward. (I am thinking a lot about swimmies at the moment, and will let you know what I come up with.)I know that some people might think it I am silly and over-reacting. But I would prefer to land of the side of caution even if it seems over the top. I am trying to find a way of us dressing that reflects who we are. I don't mind being different. Jesus was different and he has called us to be the same. One of the way I am choosing to be different is in the way I dress myself and my children.

Any thoughts?

Honesty

2008-11-08T13:48:00.005Z

The thing about blogging is that you share a part of you life. A part of yourself. I think that I, and others, share mainly the good or the funny bits. But life isn't like that. Life with 3 children under 5 is hard. I wouldn't change it. But it is hard. And I think that is one reason for my long blogging break. You don't want to come here and read things that are grumpy. But maybe you do.... maybe knowing I am not perfect will make you feel better about your own lack of perfection. So I have decided to blog regardless of my mood. Some days will be full of cheer and others full of woe. Like life really.

A name change

2008-11-07T21:20:00.003Z

Today I want to change my name. Not the Amy bit... the "mummy" bit! Then I won't have to answer the 1000's of questions (most of which are repeats of previous questions) I won't have to cope with the whining, the demands. I won't have to break up the arguments. Today it would be nice if someone else was the mummy. They could hold the crying baby, who then continues to cry. They could cook meals that children won't eat. They can listen to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on repeat in the car.

But then they would be cuddled and kissed goodnight. They would get to kiss the ows better. It would be them who are begged to sit and watch TV, to play jigsaws, to read stories, to draw (very bad) pictures. They would be the ones to hear the "love you"s.

Maybe I will be the mummy after all.....

Me and my girls

2008-11-06T13:41:00.001Z

Has it really been that long.

2008-11-06T13:23:00.005Z

I haven't written anything here in 2 months. That is what having 3 children under 5 will do to you. Life has massively caught up with me over the last couple of months and I seem to be constantly busy. A good day at the moment is when I realise that the washing baskets aren't over flowing. A bad day is one where I get to the end of it and am amazed that I haven't lost one, if not all, of my children along the way. But I am going to try my hardest to make some time for some quality (well, i can hope) blogging. Because I have missed it. I have had a lot to say and not much time to say it in.

Here is a little catch up:
Evelyn: Is now 3 months old. She has started taking an interest in the world, which is simply lovely. She smiles a lot and loves her sisters talking to her. She is also sleeping well, normally from 7pm-10.30pm then I feed her and she goes back to sleep till about 5.30am but I don't feed her till about 6am. So not too bad really. She has had lapses but I am hoping that we are nearly there now.

Tilly: is heading towards the 2 year old troubles. Her will has joined us, but common sense hasn't! It is an interesting time. She is so different from martha who would shout and scream. Tilly sulks. I have to remind myself that she is only 2 1/2 and that makes all our lives better. I am prone to expecting too much from her. At her heart she is still a smiling, loving child and I know without a doubt that we will get through this difficult stage and she will be that again.

Martha: is so grown up. She has blossomed with Evelyn arrival. She is proving herself a very motherly little girl, for all her tom boy ways. It is a delight to see. She is the reason I know that Tilly will be ok. Martha (whom I love) eas horrid (at times) during the two year old phase. But she has come through it now. and is obedient and kind. She still has her moments but don't we all. I am just really proud of her.

So that is how my girls are getting on. I'm getting the hang of this mum-of-three lark, slowly. I am a big routine fan and am in the process of changing everything to fit our new family. It is a slow process but I am making sure that I get blogging time!

Evelyn's montherversary

2008-09-01T18:52:00.003+01:00

Evelyn is now a whole month old. Here are some up-to-date photos.
This next one is my favourite. It's her "oooooo" face.

Another one of those quizzes

2008-08-30T13:27:00.005+01:00

you know the quizzes that your friends email you, so you can get to know them better. Most people hate these...I love them! I got sent a good one so i thought I would share my answers here too....

1. If you could have any first name in the world, what would you choose:
Amy - it means beloved, so I am always reminded that I am loved.
2. If you could be any item of stationery which would you be:
a pad of squared paper.
3. If the world could only be one colour for the rest of eternity which would you pick:
blue... or maybe yellow
4. Starters and main course, or main course and desert:
Main course and desert
5. What song has inspired you most in your life so far:
Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof
6. Who was your fave teacher and why:
Can't remember her name but my English teacher... she truly loved her subject.
7. How would you spend a million pounds:
Buy a house with a bit of land round it. Have chickens and lots of children.
8. What is your favourite book:
Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham.
9. If you could swap lives with someone for a day who would you choose:
At the moment it would be Evelyn... I could really use the sleep.
10. What cartoon character do you most relate to:
Marlin from Finding Nemo
11. What was your favourite subject at school:
Drama
12. Which celebrity would you like to be stuck in a lift with:
If I'm allowed someone dead then, Jim Henson. If not then Judy Dench.
13. Which celebrity would you like to hit over the head with a wet fish:
Anyone who hasn't worked hard to get where they are... in other words anyone from Big Brother!
14. What is your favourite type of weather:
Spring Rain
15. Do you have a favourite month, and why:
May because it is my birthday and it is just getting warm, but not too hot.
16. Do you have a 'bolt hole' and where is it:
The book that I am reading at the time... I vanish into books.
17. If you were to bunk off work on Monday, where would you go:
To bed, then for a long walk through the country side followed by chips in a pub garden.
18. Who has been your favourite Prime Minister:
Not a clue
19. What do you love about yourself:
That I get very passionate about things
20. What is your favourite train station:
Swanage - the stream railway one... it is like being in the railway children.
21. Tell us one embarrassing fact about yourself:
I still sleep with a soft toy elephant.
22. What is your favourite smell:
The air after it has rained, baking and backstage in a theatre.
23. Do you have a favourite photo, and who is in it:
It is me and my dad (I was about 3). We are on a beach and I am sitting on his lap eating a ice cream. It had dripped all over him. My dad hates being sticky. but he is smiling at me. This is what love is.
24. What is the last film/TV programme that made you cry:
"Swallows and Amazons"
25. What do you most regularly order in starbucks/the coffee shop of your choice:
Smoothy and a huge slice of wheat-free cake...yum.
26. If you could dye your hair a wacky colour, which would you pick:
I have dyed it blue, maybe a very red red.
27. Are you happy:
Yes.
28. What did you dream last night:
Not a clue
29. Who was your best friend at school:
Katherine, Denise and Jo.
30. What colour is your duvet cover:
the one on at the moment is a deep red.
31. What is your favourite pizza topping:
Anchovies.
32. Do you have a favourite make of car and what is it:
Renault Espace
33. Tell us three words which describe you:
Creative, mummy, tired (I have just had a baby... so the last is available to change)
34. What is your favourite fruit:
Raspberries, eating whist picking others in my Granny's garden.
35. What world situation worries you/drives you to prayer/makes you cry:
The fact that my beloved England is turning it's back on God.
36. Are you tidy or messy:
Messy with a tidy person trying to get out.
37. How many pairs of shoes do you own:
Not sure, about 8.
38. Who is your hero/heroine:
Ellen MacArthur
39. Who did you last shout at:
Martha for not wanting to change out of the winter clothes she had just put in, dispite the fact that it is boiling and she is a very hot child.
40. What makes you happiest:
My children.

The Gas Man cometh...

2008-08-29T11:53:00.004+01:00

"Was on a Friday morning (about 4am) the gas man came to call..."

The alarm woke me at 3am this morning in order for me to wake up Evelyn so she could feed. I took the opportunity of being awake to do a wee and that was when it happened... i smelt gas on our landing. This is not what you want at 3am. I got nick to smell it too. And then he went down stairs and checked down there. (nick has hay fever and so his sense of smell is not at it's strongest in summer) So i went down stairs too. There it was again. It seemed to be hoovering near our gas hob. All the little knobs were off so we were at a loss.

Having had it drummed into me that you never ignore a gas leak (and having a 4 week old baby who I didn't want breathing the stuff) we called the emergency gas leak people and they came round in 20 mins. By this time it was 4.12am. After used big sensor things the nice gas man couldn't find anything.

After some probing (and very loud banging on front doors) he discovered that it was coming from our neighbours house. They had accidentally left the hob on and the gas was seeping into our house. I felt a guilty about them being woken up by someone battering on their door. then I remembered they were smokers and praised God for keeping them (and us) safe.

We have not had the smoothest of relationships with our neighbours and at times I shout at God about them. But it struck me as i was trying to get back to sleep (for 1 1/2 hours before the alarm went off again) that although they can drive me mad God really loves them and cares about them. And is keeping them safe.

And that I need to see them through his eyes more often.

2008-08-29T11:53:00.001+01:00

Quote of the day

2008-08-26T21:02:00.001+01:00

"When my kids become unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
~Erma Bombeck

Quote of the day

2008-08-23T20:00:00.001+01:00

"Anyone who thinks objects are inanimate has never owned a toaster."

Quote of the day

2008-08-21T12:08:00.002+01:00

"If I wanted sarcasm I would talk to my children"
M in James bond, Golden Eye

Facepainting saves the day

2008-08-20T12:55:00.005+01:00

Yesterday was a bad, grim and dark day. The girls were grumpy and overly sensitive. I was shockingly tired. Even Evelyn decided that screaming was the way forward. It was raining out so we couldn't go outside and run off the grumpiness.

What saved our day was facepainting (suggested by Martha). It cheered us up a lot. Tilly wanted to be a duck, but it ended up just being lots of colours (she wouldn't pose for a photo). Martha wanted to a lion....

and we all know that lions go ROOOOAAAARRRRRRR!

We had a really quite nice afternoon after that.

Greater love has no girl....

2008-08-19T21:45:00.002+01:00

This is Evelyn with Tilly's most beloved bear, Wilbur.

Quote of the day

2008-08-19T15:54:00.001+01:00

"There are no bad days when you are going God's will. Some days are hard but there are no bad days."
A Constant Princess by Phillipa Gregory

Evelyn isn't the only cute one...

2008-08-18T13:15:00.001+01:00

Quotes

2008-08-17T18:47:00.005+01:00

As I now have 3 small children and not much time I thought I would post some of my favourite quotes to keep you all entertained until I get back some of the brain cells needed to blog properly! So here is the first:

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito"

Who does Evelyn look like...

2008-08-09T11:58:00.002+01:00

People look at Evelyn and always comment on who she looks like. So I thought I would put up a baby picture of all three girls and then you can have a good look and let me know what you think...

Martha Joanna

Matilda Annie

Evelyn Audrey

More Evelyn...

2008-08-02T08:44:00.002+01:00

Evelyn Audrey

2008-08-01T18:52:00.004+01:00

Introducing our newest daughter

2008-08-01T18:46:00.004+01:00

I thought I would fill everyone in about our newest daughter,,, Evelyn Audrey. She was born at 4.10am on 31 July 08 weighing 6lbs 6oz. (just so you know we are pronouncing Evelyn Ev-lyn (not Eve-lyn) apparently this is the Scottish way!) Pictures will follow!

I really wanted to share a bit about the birth and how wonderful and great God is and was during the whole thing. It will be a bit detailed so feel free to skip it and just praise God if you don't like birth details!!

We had planned a home birth. I had some worries about giving birth, but God had told me to trust Him. It was such a powerful message that went through me and I have clung to God and knew that his plan was perfect and He would give us the strength we needed.
My waters broke at 8pm Wednesday evening. Nothing seemed to be happening so we went to bed and prayed. We asked God that it would all kick off at 12, and Nick had a feeling the baby would be born around 4am. I woke up at 12.02 with big-ish contractions and all was going on ok until we discovered that there was maconium in the waters (basically the baby had pooed - which is a sign of distress and needs monitoring). So at 1.30am we bundled the girls off to my mothers and went into hospital. Labour was progressing nicely and contractions were getting stronger. I felt that God was in charge. I didn't feel at all disappointed that we were in hospital. I just knew that we were going where God was leading and had real peace (this is big thing when you are in full on labour!)

At 3am they examined me to see how far dilated I was and the midwife said that she could feel something in front of the head! she didn't think it was the cord (very bad) but she couldn't figure it out. So another midwife came in and thought it was a hand, She called the Registrar... he discovered the reason God wanted us to be in hospital... it was a foot and the baby was a footling breach (bottom first). Whilst this was going on I carried on getting stronger contractions and still feeling huge peace. At the hospital they don't do vaginal breach delivery (not sure why) so they decided to give me an emergency c-section. All was being prepared in theatre and they get me and Nick ready too. By this time I was having the urge to push and was being told NOT TOO! The only thing to stop me pushing was to pray in tongues (I think they must of thought I was mad, but it was the only way I could give it to God and He gave strength back to me). So we got to theatre and they gave me a spinal block so I couldn't feel anything from the waist down but would be awake. I remember that someone said how calm I was and I just replied that I believed on God. Of course it was ok He was in charge! They just got me lying down when they realised that the baby's feet were already out! So they decided to let her be born vaginally. I ended up with my legs (which I couldn't feel) in stirrups being told to push (which I couldn't feel) while they wiggled the baby out. After about a minute I asked what was going on and Nick said that all her body was out and then her head was out and Evelyn came to join the world.It was 4.10am, just when Nick had said it would be.
We then discovered that the registrar had never delivered a breach baby before. I was left with no tears or cuts and feel really great considering everything.

I cannot praise God enough. Would could have been a nightmare was a blessing. God was with us and gave us such peace and provided for us in miraculous ways. The icing on the cake was that our new car (which we have been waiting for 3 weeks for) was ready this morning. Just when we have started to need it.

Blessing my husband

2008-06-12T11:12:00.004+01:00

I have decided to bless my husband this week. (I try and do this all the time, not just this week!) Instead of doing something for him, I am going to not do something at him.... don't worry, all will become clear.

My lovely husband wears shirts to work. Every evening he takes it off and put it in the dirty clothes basket. All good so far. BUT because of the way he takes them off they are always inside out. Now I know that all the best marriage books say you should never say "never" and "always" in a fight. But I do the washing... I know! So when they come out of the washing machine I have to put my hand into the damp sleeve and pull it through. For some reason this drives me mad. I don't know why and I know it is irrational and stupid. But isn't that the case. It isn't the big things but the little ones that drive us mad. I have tried to get him to turn them the right way round but to no avail.

"Where does the blessing bit come in?" I hear you cry. "So far you have just moaned." Well, I have know something for a long time:

If you can't change... re-arrange!

I do this all the time with furniture! But it works here to. I can't change the way Nick takes off his shirts (I have tried and after nearly 5 years I give up!) and so something needs to be re-arranged. In this case..... ME! My attitude is going to be re-arranged. Instead of grumbling I am going to remember, with every sleeve, the work my husband does whilst in those shirts. I pledge that from today on I will turn his shirts the right way round with a smile and a thankful heart for my husband. Then each shirt will come with a blessing attached for him to take with him.

Please pray...

2008-06-11T13:16:00.004+01:00

You may remember that a while ago I posted about Tricia, who I only know through her husbands blog. Tricia had a double lung transplant a few months ago and all looked like it was going well. But now it looks like something might be going wrong, so Tricia is back in hospital having more tests today. Please, please pray for this family. They have such faith and hope in God. They have inspired me so much. If you want to, you can leave them a comment to let them know you are praying for them here.

Thank you.

Seek and ye shall find.

2008-06-09T19:27:00.002+01:00

One of the Sunday school leaders told me this story today at a bible study group I go to:

Yesterday in Kidzone (one of the Sunday school groups) they were doing word searches as one of the activities. All was quiet for about 5 minutes while the children were concentrating and searching. Then came a voice raised in joy:
.
.
.
"I found "Jesus"!!!"

Avoiding the question

2008-06-07T21:22:00.004+01:00

There is a question that I try never to ask myself. It is just dangerous to go there and so I choose not too. The question?
"Am I a good mother?"
It makes me panic.... The things is, what is a good mother? Each child is different and so each mother has to be different. I have good days and some bad days and some days when my husband walks in the door and I walk out! I hope that the good days out weigh the bad. I think they do. The thing with being a mother is that you really are making it up as you go along. There is no manual. Well, actually there aer about 1000 manuals but none of them are about me and my children. I have to write that one as I go along. And just about when you have it sussed and all is running smooth you breath a little to deeply and your child goes into the next phase and you start back at "WHAT IS GOING ON?"
There are really only two (soon to be three) people who could answer the question with any authority. They are the ones who live with my successes and mistakes. I might not ask how they think I'm doing while they are 4 and 2. Unless I have just fed them chocolate cake, of course. I hope that when they have children they will forgive me the mistakes as they make their own. and build on the success that, I hope, I will be more remembered for.
In the mean time I just do my best. I have the help of a fantastic husband and a gracious God. And when it comes to "that" question I just have to say... "Whether I am having a good or bad day, I am the mother God has given my children. He has his reasons. And I will trust them."

It is amazing what God thinks of

2008-06-04T21:27:00.005+01:00

I love God. Some people see him as this floaty thing in the sky who bobs in and out of our lives, wafting around a bit. I don't see that. I think that he is so practical. So down to earth. He knows us so well and is willing to help us so much. If only we will let him. I heard someone say in a sermon for everyone to turn to Leviticus in their bibles. He followed this by saying ... "look at the edge of the pages and find the clean bit!" It is true. We kind of brush over all those laws and rules and regulations. And part of that is that we have forgotten that God has told us what to do and the best way to live. Not just the big moral things but the way to avoid mildew too.
I came across one of these yesterday. It is in Exodus and talks about building an altar. This is a paraphrase...
"Don't build your altar up some steps".... WHY? WHAT? Does it really matter? wait for it....
"because some one might see up your robe and see your nakedness!"
Well, if that isn't a practical God, I don't know what is. SO next time you are struggling with practical things remember that God knows all the answers and see what he has to say... Even if it is "Make sure you can't see your pants!"

A perfect age?

2008-06-03T11:19:00.005+01:00

I have realised that I really do have favourite ages for my children to be. Some bits are just harder than others. I realise that this will be different for everyone and every child but this is my blog!
I have known for a long time that I love little babies, all yummy and squishy.

And then I love the age Tilly is now (18 months to about 2 1/2 ish) She can do loads, has a longing to be helpful and kind and hasn't got to the point where she has discovered screaming NOOOOOO really loudly. She can also talk well and make herself understood. Lovely yummy age.

Then there is the bit that I find really hard. That bit where sense hasn't kicked in but will power has. The bit where you watch, helplessly as your child throws themselves on the floor screaming because you asked them to do something unreasonable like not hit there sister. The bit where you hear the word NO all the time. And "My DO IT". The bit where you realise that you really do sound just like your mother did when you shout back because you have lost it too. This is, in my book, one of the hard bits. And this is the bit I have slowly realised that with Martha we are just about coming out of. And I cannot tell you how pleased I am. I know that she has bad days, when she is tired, or hungry, or poorly. but by and large we have got over this bit and I have discovered that the next bit of time is a really fun one. ...

Martha is now 4 and once again loves helping. But the bonus is that now she actually can do a lot. We have been planting seeds, watching them grow, making food, baking bread, cleaning the bath... you name it. She wants to be a part of things and loves being involved. I just need to remember that things will take longer and I will need a bit more patience and it really works and we have a lovely time. She has also reached an age where she is very content to play on her own. Her imagination has kicked in and she spends ages playing with the dolls house, totally entranced. She also is very kind and helpful towards Tilly. Always trying to include her.

What can I say... the hard work in the hard bit seems to have paid off. (I know that I am letting myself for a tough few days saying this!)

All I can say (and pray) is that they stay in these good phases until about 6 months after the baby is born. Then I might, just, be able to cope.

She may need to grow a bit.

2008-06-01T21:21:00.004+01:00

A few weeks ago I was showing Martha some of my wedding photos. She loved my pretty dress, so I asked if she would like to try it on....

Just for the record... she is standing up in the first three and sitting down in the last two.

A moan and some blessings

2008-06-01T19:19:00.005+01:00

I realise that once again it has been a while since I blogged. The reason for this is simple.. I have been far too moany! And in truth I really didn't just want to sit here and whine. There have been some good reasons for this glumness: My Grandpa dying, my tummy getting bigger and really getting in the way, having to have an extra growth scan as they were concerned the baby wasn't growing well (it was as perfect as it could be!), noisy neighbours, discovering yet more stretch marks on my tummy, Martha being... er... challenging, Tilly waking up at 5am every morning.
So you see there is a lot to moan about. But I didn't really want to share the glumness. And I wanted to think of funny ways to moan but it just didn't work out... hence the blogging silence.
I have been thinking about this and feeling a bit bad because I really have a lot to be so thankful for. I really can see God at my side in all this and that is the bit that I should be sharing.

So I thought I would try and find 10 things/ways that God has blessed me. Hopefully this will jolt me out of the gloom and back into cheer...

1) God has been making his plans for our housing really clear. One step at a time.
2) Martha loves the baby in my tummy and loves kissing my tummy and watching it wriggle.
3) God has given me such a lovely, supportive husband.
4) During my Grandpa's funeral I felt so surrounded by prayer and love and God. It was amazing.
5) I get to see one of my best friends on Tuesday (she lives in Africa, so it is a big deal to see her)
6) ...and I get to see Hairspray!
7) Tilly's smile.
8) I have a very healthy, lively baby growing inside me.
9) I have Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the freezer (Phish food - for whose who are interested!)
10) I am truly loved.

Not a bad list really. And do you know what? That list really didn't take long at all to do. I really am blessed. It all depends which way you look at it.

My Grandpa

2008-05-18T17:16:00.002+01:00

My Grandpa died a week ago today. He was 90. He had been ill for a while. And so his death, whilst sad, was not unexpected. For the last week I have been trying to write something about him on here. And it hasn’t really worked so far. (As you will be able to tell as you haven’t read anything yet!)
I think what his death has made me think about is what we leave behind. Our inheritance. Here in the UK there are a lot of people ranting and raging about inheritance tax. I don’t really understand it at all. It just seems a bit unfair. But whilst the government can take money away from us when a loved one dies there are many things it cannot.

So what I have inherited from my Grandpa:

Love. The bible says that love never dies. This is not just true of the love we give. But of the love we receive. I know that my Grandpa loved me and my brother, and his son and daughter (my dad and aunt). He was a quite old fashioned and wasn’t a hugging and kissing type. But he loved us. And he showed it. By providing for us. By spending time with us, being interested. By telling us stories. I feel this love as I sit here and type. It is with me. And so part of him goes on.

Memories. No one can take these away either. Towards the end my Grandpa was very frail. But that is not how I think of him. I think of him in the canoe when we were little. I think of him refusing to join in games at Christmas, but getting lots of enjoyment out of the rest of us playing. I remember the look in his eyes when he found out my daughters were not only to have my husbands surname but my maiden name (as a middle name). They are his only great grandchildren and I could see the pleasure and pride that we had chosen to connect them with the past and with him. I remember him whenever I speak their full names.

Crafts. My Grandpa whittled wood. He made the most beautiful wooden carvings. I haven’t carved wood but the creativity has come down the line and I love crafts of all sorts. I wouldn’t be surprised if I carve the odd duck of my own as the years go by.

There are strange things we inherit. I, like my Grandpa, am allergic to penicillin. I inherited a huge love of my country. He was Canadian and proud of it, even though he has lived in England for a very long time. His connection to his country has rubbed off on me. I am always proud to say that I have a Canadian Grandpa. This has, for some reason I can’t explain, got something to do with why I love England. I have inherited this love of country. I love photography, which he did too. And particularly photographing flowers.

These things just pass down, father to daughter, mother to son, father to son, mother to daughter. You never know where they will turn up next.

As I see my daughters grow up I know I will see them change and develop. I will see Grandpa’s traits come out in them. They, sadly, will not know the man I was so proud to call Grandpa. But they do have his name, a little piece of the inheritance. And when they ask me “Why, oh why” they have such strange middle name. I will stop and say, with a smile: “Well, there was this man called Russ and he was my Grandpa…”

Martha's view

2008-05-15T13:17:00.004+01:00

Martha got a kids digital camera for her birthday. She LOVES IT! And took over 120 pictures during the day. Here are some of her photos...

Her new clock - the bunny wakes up when it is time to wake up!

Me taking a photo of her.

The messy toy pile in their bedroom

Tilly drawing before breakfast

Special birthday coissants and chocolate spread

Martha wearing her "I am 4" badges

Our friend (and Tilly's God daddy). Martha kept telling him what faces to pull and then take a picture. We have a series of these. Thought I would share these 2.

First being a lion

Then his sad face

Granny (my mummy)

Me in my favourite chair

The last 4 years

2008-05-14T07:33:00.008+01:00

Here we go with some pictures of Martha over the years. I will put up some of her birthday after her party and everything.
Enjoy!

Martha is FOUR!

2008-05-14T07:18:00.003+01:00

Happy Birthday to my lovely and most beautiful oldest daughter. I really can't believe how time has flown by. As they say... it seems only yesterday that she was a baby in my arms. And now she is a child. (Although she will always be my baby). I am constantly amazed by Martha. She is so full of life and adventure. She is far braver than me. (She gets the recklessness from her uncle!) She is incredibly musical and sings all the time. It is a bit like living in an opera. She loves the outdoors and growing things. She loves cooking and helping me. She loves her little sister. She loves Jesus. Of course she gets things wrong and is fantastically silly at time. But aren't we all. But she is learning how to pick herself up and move onwards and upwards. I don't know where I would be without her. Someone asked me how I will cope with 3 small children and I just replied that I have a Martha. I couldn't ask for a better or more willing (most of the time) helper.

My prayer as the years roll by is that she stays her. That she is true to herself. I would hate her to lose her passion and enthusiasm for life. I pray that she follows where God takes her, because if she does her life will be the most amazing adventure. And I pray that I have the courage to let her go and be all that she can be. In the mean time I am glad I have my little girl who still loves me best (well, I am in the top 5!). I know these years are short and I intend to relish them.

For those that don't know Martha was born at about 3pm weighing 7lbs 8oz. It was a very hot sunny day. God had told me that I was having a girl. Sometimes I'm not sure if God has really said something but this I KNEW. When Nick (who was paying attention) said: It's a girl! I replied: Of course she is! And she was quite simply the most amazing thing that I have ever done. And the best bit is that with each baby the amazement doesn't go away, the love just keeps stretching and growing. And what love it is.

Thank you Martha for coming into our family when we least expected. You are a gift from God. I love you so much and hope you have a very happy birthday.

No pulling the wool over her eyes

2008-05-09T17:01:00.003+01:00

I went for the day out yesterday and promised to the girls I would be home to kiss them goodnight. I was. After kissing them goodnight I had a chat to Nick who told me the following:

Martha had a tiny cut on her finger and wanted a plaster. Nick said "we will wait till Mummy gets home and see what she thinks." (I think he was going for distraction not passing the buck!) The answer came loud and clear: "No daddy. Mummy say no. Daddy might say yes!"

PS- When I had tucked Martha in there was a lovely pink plaster on her finger. So I guess she knows us well. Just as we thought we were one step ahead!

Spring

2008-05-08T21:18:00.003+01:00

Sun is a funny old thing. Here in soggy England we seem to all go a bit mad the second the slightest gleam shows from behind a cloud. Grown ups everywhere are smiling away and sunbathing (even though we know it is bad for us). All the plants have gone mad and I have never seen so many daises before. There is a big old tree I can see from the computer room window that has been looking ...well... dead for the last 6 months and all of a sudden it has a green shimmer to it. I give it about 3 more days and it will transformed into abundant life.

It isn't just nature that has woken up. So have my children. I have come to the conclusion they are solar powered. They are eating less, sleeping less (they would wake up with dawn if not for 3 sets of curtains!) but they have more energy than ever before. They literally run all day until they collapse into bed. It is a joy to see them so full of life. It is hard to keep up, especially with my expanding waist line. But I do love seeing them out there, enjoying the world that God has given us. They aren't complicated they just want to be part of it all. Whether that is watching a spider, picking flowers, playing on a slide, having picnics. The joy for them is just enjoying it for today. They don't worry about the rain that might fall tomorrow. It is sunny today, so let's go outside and play.

How the years fly by

2008-05-03T17:24:00.010+01:00

Today is my 30th birthday. WOOHOO! There is a big thing about turning 30 but so far I have survived. I think the fact that I am soon to be mother of number 3 is over shadowing it! But I thought I ought to mark the occasion anyway. So here are some photos of me over the years...

Me as a baby. My legs are in plaster because I had bad clicky hips.

Me in the sink having a wash. Note the tan lines that you would never have on a small child now!

Me (3) posing in my favourite shorts. They were cut off all ragged to make me look shipwrecked!

Me (4) and my brother in the good old days when it used to snow.

My first school day.

Me (8/9) and my first ever new bike.

Me (10) with a very fashionable german haircut.

me (15) as a teenager. I stopped having photos taken around this time!

Me (16/17) breaking the rules!Me (18) in a play of Les Liaison Dangerous

Me (19), on the right, all dressed up. I made the dress on the left.
Graduation (21)
Me (25) getting ready for my wedding.

Me and Nick, just married

Me (26) holding Martha (15 mins old)

Me (27) and Martha on a steam train

Me (27) a week before Tilly was born.

Me (29) with facepainting done by my girls!

Me (30) today. The badge says "Birthday girl".

Have a dance

2008-05-02T13:08:00.002+01:00

It is Friday. It is sunny. It is my birthday tomorrow (there will be some embarrassing photos on here tomorrow!) . So it is time for a dance. Will you join me?

Watch this, turn it up loud and have a really good dance about.

Don't you all feel better for that?!

Life with a nudist

2008-05-01T21:30:00.002+01:00

I have a confession... well, it is not my confession but my daughters really. I am talking about the smaller one here. Tilly is a nudist. (I have even taught her how to say it!) I think it started with potty training. We would let her run around in pants and a t-shirt to make it easier and it seems to not only have stuck but got worse. She will come into us in the morning to tell us that "my wake up" and within minutes she will have stripped off all clothing. It seems almost pointless to get her dressed considering how long the clothes stay on her.

A prime example was today. We went to the Natural History Museum and were looking round at dinosaurs. It was very warm so I took her vest off and I had to restrain her from removing everything else! Totally mad.

I also just went in to tuck her up for the night and noticed that Tolly (her doll) had her clothes removed. So she is obviously sharing her "back to nature" message with anyone who will listen!

On the bright side I am doing a lot less washing. I just hope she grows out of it before "boys" come on the scene. If not we are in real trouble! :-)

Poorly

2008-04-29T18:37:00.002+01:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. Too be honest not a lot has happened as I have been "proper poorly", as my brother would say. I have had a horrid, yukky cold that has filled my head with fuzz. I am slowly on the mend (2 weeks later!) but one thing that is still around is that my eyes get tired very quickly. This does not work well with blogging. But I am now a lot better and have lots to say.. so watch out one and all... I'm back!

Filling in the gaps

2008-04-13T09:28:00.003+01:00

The girls and I are painting a dolls house. It was given to us by my lovely in-laws. It has had some heavy playing done with it and then had been in an attic for years, so it is a bit worse for wear and a bit out dated. I saw it and thought.. a lick of paint and it will be as good as new. But painting with small children isn't the easiest thing to do. Martha does quite well and is getting the hang of it but Tilly tends to scrap more paint off than goes on. All in all it is safe to say that it isn't a professional job. This is were I come in. When they are covered in paint and happy I set to work and finish the bits they miss out, tidy bits up, even it all up. In the end I think it is going to look really great.

When we give our day to God this is what he does for us. We do the best we can and then He fills in the gaps. He mends the bits we broke, makes the colours shine, puts a plan into place for the next stage based on what we have done so far. He beautifies us and our efforts. All we have to remember to do is to ask Him. To be with us, to help us, to fill in the gaps.

Surprises

2008-04-12T09:36:00.004+01:00

I think that the best thing about being a parent is the surprises. The unexpected hugs and I love you's. The mad things they say and do that make your hear melt.
I think that the worst thing about parenting is the surprises. When you come in from hanging out washing and your child is shorn. You see your child about to fall down the stairs and know there is nothing you can do about it. When they throw up all over you!

In the last few days we have had good surprises:
Martha suddenly and with out warning got the hang of riding her bicyle. She still has stablisers but she can move forward and steer without help. Last time she went on her bike she needed guiding and a pushing. So this is great and fantastic and brilliant.

Also both girls have come on in leaps and bound when it comes to drawing.

Martha's picture of a happy face and a sad face.

Tilly's picture of a happy face.

I am always amazed with children that they suddenly "get" things. One day they are sticking the spoon their ear and the next it clicks into place and they feed themsleves streak and chips with no problems. I know that this isn't always the case and sometimes things need to be learnt slowly and patiently. That is why when thing do just click it is such a blessing. God knew what he was doing.

A good piece of advice

2008-04-11T18:10:00.002+01:00

When putting the jar of Ovaltine back in the cupboard make sure that the lid is screwed on properly. Then the next time you come to use it, picking it up by the lid, your clean jumper won't be covered in the stuff!

Another lesson, hopefully, learnt!

Potty training - what they forgot to tell you

2008-04-10T18:23:00.007+01:00

I have now potty trained two children and read a lot of books about it all. In each they do a lovely list of what you need (potty, lots of pants etc). Well here are some of the things they left out:

1) An older sibling. They should be going through a helpful phase at the time. An older sibling not only shows the younger the ins and outs of it all but can be a one person cheer leading squad. Tilly always wants to show her "results" to Martha who then shouts "hooray"! older siblings are also useful if you are busy up a ladder or something. They are more than able to find a potty and help with pulling down pants.

2) A different potty to the one that belongs to the older sibling. Just trust me that the £5 spent is worth it when you think of all the arguments you don't end up having.

3) Flushable anti-bacterial toilet wipes. This are great for a quick clean of the potty. I tend to do this after poo or once a day. In our house it is important to have a clean potty as they are also used to put stuff in!

4) Plant a tree. You get through lots of toilet roll. Not just on wiping that extra bottom but also wiping out the last dribble from the potty.

5) Save some water. Take a shower, turn a tap off, wash with a full load, let your grass thirst for a bit. The reason for this is that you will flush the toilet more than you ever thought possible. A small person has a small bladder. A small bladder fills quickly and needs emptying a lot. And you will be plying them with them with drinks so they get the hang of the thing quicker. All this means a lots of flushes. Best to balance it some how!

6) This one is the most important and follows on nicely from the above... HAND CREAM! I am not talking about the stuff that smells nice and does nothing. I am talking hardcore stuff. All this poo and wee means a lots of hand washing. Because you will wash yours and your child's EVERY TIME! (Getting them in good habits and all that.) Believe me when I say that your hands will suffer. And this isn't even taking into consideration that you will be also cleaning wee off the carpet and your hands get the brunt of it there too. So buy yourself a potty training treat. Some really good hand cream.

So there you go. I hope that helps some people who might embark on this most daunting of phases. Just think in a few weeks you will have a child in pants, looking at your still silky hands and thank me! :-)

An angel in Tesco's

2008-04-10T11:16:00.003+01:00

I met an angel yesterday. She wasn't dressed in white and she didn't have tinsel round her head or glow or have wings (that I could see anyway!). but to me she was an angel sent straight from heaven to help a distressed tired, pregnant mother.

My children eat at 5pm. It was 4 pm. The gas men had just declared my hob to be illegally connected to the gas mains and so they took my kitchen apart to change the pipe to the copper it should have been. It would take 2 hours. Hopefully. So I decided, using my motherly ability to change plans quickly, to take the girls to Tesco's and to give them dinner in the cafe and then buy the bits we needed (bananas and batteries). Well... dinner went fine, jacket potato was consumed and so we embarked on our shopping. All was ok for about 2 mins. Then Martha decided that she had had enough. She started screaming that SHE DON'T WANT TO WALK. I had Tilly, a pushchair and a basket of shopping. I ignored her, as the manuals tell you too. And I ignored the stares of other people who thought Martha was older than her 3 years and thought me a terrible mother. I pushed the pushchair along the aisles with Martha dragging along the floor. The howls increased so we stopped and waited. She got louder. I asked if she wanted to sit in the pushchair. "NO, YOU CARRY ME". This is a child who fits 5-6 year old clothes telling her shattered 5 months pregnant mother with another child, pushchair and shopping that she needs to be carried. The screams got louder.... and then the angel appeared.

This angel was about 60, neatly dressed with a small trolley of shopping. She had kind eyes. She asked if she could help. She suggested things, knowing that the ability to think had totally left me. "how much more shopping did I need?" "Can she get it for me?" etc.. In the end she put Martha in her trolley. (Martha knows that you obey angels, even if you don't obey mothers!) walked beside me whilst I finished my shopping and took me to the till. Waited while I put everything up on the conveyor belt and then, after I had thanked her a lot, vanished. I am sure if I had looked for her she wouldn't have been there. Whisked off onto another angel task.

She really did save me. I cried on the way home out of sheer relief and gratitude for her kindness and help. She might not know it but she was an angel, sent to help me when I needed it most.

Tilly's hair update

2008-04-09T08:32:00.002+01:00

Just wanted to let you all know that I took the plunge and trimmed the back of Tilly's hair. It looked very odd being so short at the front and long at the back so I have taken it as short as it will go and added a few layers. Although it still looks a bit...er... different. It no longer looks quite so eccentric! I will try and add some photos soon!
On the plus side Martha has learnt a big lesson - that only mummy cuts Tilly's hair! Thank you for all your lovely comments, I'm glad we keep you amused! If you would like to have your hair cut buy Martha then I have to warn you that as she is unique in her styling the fee is quite high! :-)

Spring clean and Potty training

2008-04-07T16:55:00.003+01:00

The last week has been filled to the brim with 2 very time consuming activities. One was spring cleaning and the other potty training Tilly.

I spent each morning cleaning one (or two) rooms in the house. I don't think that this house has ever been so clean. I pulled things out and hoovered in corners, got rid of cobwebs, moved furniture (a girl after my own heart!), wiped woodwork and tidied, tidied and tidied. During this I became a bit dishearten. We rent this house and I must confess that I find it hard. We have to ask permission for everything and I want to just put up a picture, paint a wall, put up shelves. I could possibly do all these things but I would have to get permission in writing and in most cases put it back before we moved out. Some things aren't worth it when you don't know how long you will live somewhere. SO I started the week cleaning someone else's house, and not getting paid for it. And I was moany about it. Very moany. I was having a chat with friend and moaning to her when she pointed out that it may be the landlords house but it is my "home". I was not cleaning his house but my home. And she was spot on. I had been thinking about it all wrong. He may have a rights over the bricks and mortar but he can't do anything about our home. Our home is where our family are. Me, Nick, Martha and Tilly. The building may change but that heart will stay the same. That is what I am building when I say I am a homemaker, not a house wife. I am the one who is making the home. Part of that is cleaning and cooking and ironing and endless washing. But mostly it is about being there. Atmosphere. A feeling. A security. And no building can create that and no landlord can not give permission for it... it is something that is grown over time.
So I have a very clean house now and I am proud. But I also have a clean home. And I am pleased to be able to do that for the family that I love.

Onto potty training. I said to a friend that I wanted to train Tilly before Tummy tot arrives in August. But also really wanted to wait until she begged me to go into pants.... well she did! "Mummy (don't) ont nappy. PANTS!" So instead of training her it was more a case of letting her get on with what she wanted to do! So we tried her in pants around the house and she did really well. So we did a little trip the library and that went really well. That turned into a trip to the park and on it went...And so she has been nappy-less (apart from sleep times) since last Wednesday. I think we just got the timing so right because it has been very painless. Martha was trained at 2 1/2 years also very painlessly. I can't thank Martha enough for her help. Tilly loves copying her big sister and so Martha has been a great source of inspiration. I know that there will be accidents. But I feel very confident. The really great thing to know is that she will have been out of nappies for months when the baby arrives and so the chance of regression is quite small.
Our one problem is that Tilly is tiny and so her pants are HUGE. It must be very strange for her going from big washable nappies to very lose airy pants!

It was really great how the two things worked well together. Because we were at home cleaning it wasn't a problem training Tilly. And there was always a cloth handy, just in case. I know that some will say it is coincidence but I would prefer to give God credit for his very good timing.

Scissors

2008-04-01T07:39:00.004+01:00

Just thought I would add that I do not usually leave scissors around for my children to cut each others hair with! We had been cutting hair over the weekend, so the scissors were tucked away by the computer, to be put away in a minute. The girls had been sitting watching TV on the computer to distract them whilst I cut. I totally neglected to put them away (another lesson learnt!). In Martha's defense she is really good with sharp objects and knows you don't play with scissors and knives etc. She genuinely thought... "Mummy cuts hair, I'll cut hair. Won't that be nice!" I think my shock and horror at what she had done has shown her that you don't cut hair!!
The scissors are now so out of reach that even I might need to stand on something to get them.

This is a before picture of Tilly's lovely hair...

Never turn your back on a small child

2008-03-31T17:51:00.003+01:00

My girls love "in the Night Garden". So today they sat and watched a bit whilst I went into the garden to hang out the sheets. WHen I came back Martha had CUT Tilly's hair!! There are no words.... so here are the photos! (please remember that Tilly had a cute blond bob style with a longish fringe.)

The beginnings of understanding

2008-03-28T21:56:00.003Z

On Good Friday I was talking to Martha about what it was all about. We read the story about Jesus dying in her children's bible and talked all about it. Martha was really interested to know everything. And we talked a lot (but not graphically) about a really simple picture of Jesus on the cross. In was in amongst this that she suddenly said: "Mummy, Jesus got pants on so he doesn't stick to the cross!" - Well what can you say to that!?
A bit later on she talked about the soldiers taking Jesus away. She said: "I want to be a parrot, so I can make the soldiers go away." - What can you say to that?! I just hugged her tight. You could feel Jesus smile.

One small step

2008-03-28T19:01:00.004Z

I haven't written in a while as we are on Easter holidays and Martha is home from school. This means lots of nice outings and fun things... but not much blog time. I am hoping to let you all know what we've been up to soon. But I had a thought today.

Every mother ever (nothing like generalisations) has a thing that she is fixated about. I have a friend who thing is pushchairs that face you so your child can see you. Another who thinks formula is like poisoning your child, another who thinks breastfeeding is a bit weird. One who is obsessed with getting her children to bed on time. Quite a few with very passionate view about squash and amount of television that should be watched.

Today I realised mine.... I am obsessed with my children having correctly fitted shoes. I don't know why. But I truly believe that if they wear shoes that are the wrong size there feet (and therefore everything else) will go horribly wrong. Ok... that is a bit over the top... but not much. I never let my children to wear cast off shoes or secondhand, even each others. I can just see the soft bones in their tiny feet being molded into shapes they were never meant to be. What can I say... it is a sickness and I will try to conquer it eventually. If I don't manage it then at least when they are rebelling and staying out late or refusing to get off the sofa, or going off to university, or eloping, or doing dangerous sports they will be doing it it comfy, well fitted shoes that fit both the length and the width. And hopefully they will know that I love them!

Story - The Father's will - the only way

2008-03-21T08:38:00.002Z

Based on the events of Jesus on the cross

i lay down on the cross. i had a few beautiful seconds when i could rest.
the walk up the hill had been long and hard.
suddenly the first brutal nail was smashed into my wrist, every nerve in my body screamed.
the weight on my heart became greater: your wrong, your lies, your idolatry, cutting into my flesh, my teeth clenched –

this is my Father’s will … the only way.

my body had just started to cope with the searing pain when the next mail went in, disjointing bones, I could feel the blood oozing out.

this is my Father’s will.

my feet are dragged onto the wooden platform. the knowledge of what is happening doesn’t blunt the pain. every nerve end, every ounce of my body wants to scream for God to release me. but…

this is the only way… my Father’s will.

above my head they hung a sign “King of the Jews” – if only they knew

the cross is being lifted. i slide down it desperately trying to hold my arms up so the nails don’t slice deeper into my flesh
blood from the thorns trickles into my face, i can’t wipe it away
the pain increases
i feel so weak, i have to struggle to stay conscious
at my feet i hear the mocking voices of the guards, the women crying, trying to comfort one another and sobbing uncontrollably
“make them see Father, this is your will. they don’t know what is happening. they want to save me but know that is not the way. they can’t see but they know.”

in the midst of the pain and the heaviness i hear a voice
- Jesus
i drag myself slowly away from the thoughts and actions that are being heaped upon me
- Jesus
My name, the name of power and grace
- Jesus
i turn as much as my weak state will let me. the thorns dig in. blood runs down into my eyes. i try and blink it away
- Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom
he lifted my heart, in the middle of the physical pain and anguish i felt a moment of clarity… someone understands, it is not in vain.
“I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in the paradise”
the words are dry and raspy, they stick in my throat

darkness came over the land. the view of the city below gets covered in a black shroud.
a darkness covers me
one by one everything is heaped upon me, the guilt of the people stacked on my head

i am alone
God has turned his back, his face is turned away
the loneliness consumes me
the final sin is placed upon my head

“Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?”
my whole being screamed these words
why God? i need you. i can’t bear the pain
my Father had turned his back and I couldn’t keep the words in any longer

the words rang clear across the shadowed land. i had held onto them as long as possible but they poured forth from my parched lips.

someone held a sponge to my mouth. the liquid burnt against my cracked lips
saliva gathered in my mouth in anticipation. i almost chocked on it.

again my voice cried out
i could not stop it now
i cried out with every atom of me
the unending heavy dragging pain running into sound

this is the only way.

i let go. i couldn’t hold on. my spirit went down and all the sin went with it.

My Father tore the curtain in the temple, from top to bottom, his heart overflowing
the ground shook with His emotion
in the depth of His greatest lose and greatest gain:

“Come my children. I have opened the way. You are free to come into my house, my dwelling place, the Holy of Holies. Sit at my feet and I will be your God. Do not be afraid, the way is now clear. The curtain is torn. I have heaped your wrong on him who was pure. He died so that you can live. Come to me my children. It is finished – come home to me.”

People do come. They see the torn curtain and God’s house behind it. They step over the threshold between death and life.

(If you would like to share this with others please read this. Thank you.)

Story - We are the ones who slept

2008-03-20T13:18:00.002Z

Based on Mark 14 v.33-43

If we had know what was about to happen we would have stayed awake.
We would have prayed and watched, comforted and consoled.
But we didn’t understand that that night was to be our last with him amongst us.
Often he had gone to be alone, to be with God, with his thoughts. We didn’t think that this time was any different. He was often full of sorrow.
We can hear his words and see him in the distance, a crumpled figure of a man, looking very alone.. But it is late and sleep crept up on us. Slid over us. The night was warm, like a blanket around us, soothing us. It was so hard to keep our eyes open when the lids were so heavy, dragging us into inevitable, blissful slumber.
It could all wait till tomorrow.
He would explain his sadness tomorrow.
He would give us more strength.
Tomorrow.

His voice coming ringing through the darkness-
“Are you sleeping?”
It was not angry, just filled with desperation. We tried to answer but he went again.
“Pray that you don’t fall into temptation.”
“Watch with me.”

If we had known we would have watched, we would have prayed. We let him down at the very time he most needed us. The only time he really needed us.
And we failed.
We were the ones who slept. Tumbling down again. The night folding round us again. If we had heard we would not have slept but would have fixed our eyes on him, not taking them off for a single minute. We would have memorised every detail.
In sleep the night moved through till dawn.
“Arise, the hour has come. Here comes my betrayer.”
We had reached the end of a road.
Judas came walking towards us.
We had reached the end of a road and missed the final step.

(If you would like to share this with others please read this. Thank you)

My stories

2008-03-20T13:08:00.003Z

I have been pondering whether to put some of my stories on this blog and have decided to go for it! A friend said that I should save them up and get them published but to be honest I just want people to read them.

Before they go up I wanted to say that if you like them enough to want to share them with others then you may. But please consider the following 2 things:

1) Please let me know. This is mainly just so I know!
2) Please make it known that it was written by be. Either verbally (if it is being read) or written (if it is in writing).

Having written this it sounds a bit vain. But I wanted to set out the parameters from the start. I can also link future stories here so I don't have to repeat myself.

Most importantly I hope you enjoy them...

Pondering on facing the way you are going

2008-03-19T18:24:00.003Z

Today I saw the bible in action. I was walking Martha to school (not late for once!) and I was holding onto her with one hand and Tilly with the other. Tilly kept looking behind her. This meant I was dragging her to school. She couldn't keep up (even though we were not going fast). She nearly fell over more than once and it was just a struggle. Then it struck me that God tells us to press forwards towards the goal. We are told to not look at what is behind but look at what is in front. When we look at what is behind I see God trying to drag us along the path, He is doing His best but we just aren't facing the right way. We fall more easily and more often because we don't see the obvious things at our feet. It is a struggle to walk forwards whilst facing backwards. And it is an unnecessary struggle.

This week is Holy week and it is a time of looking back to Jesus' final week on this earth. His journey to the cross. But I think that God wants to to also use this time to look forward. To what Jesus' sacrifice means to us. How does it change our lives and the way we live them. How loved we really are. With these truths on board we need turn to face the right way, grasp God's hand and run with him. Or we might be late for the adventure He has for us.

7 things

2008-03-17T13:39:00.004Z

Nathan, who writes one of my favourite blogs, has recently done a post where he has told the world 7 little known things about himself. He then challenged others to the same. So I thought.... that seems like a good idea. So here is my list.

7 things you might not have known about me:

1) I would have been called Phoebe but my dad wanted something that was easier to spell. I never realised it before, but I too feel that names should be easily spelt. It is no fun to be 14 and still not able to spell your own name.

2) I can still touch my nose with my toes. And sit with my heals touching my bot and my knees touching my chest, without holding them there with my hands. (Go on try it!) Granted as Tummy tot takes over I won't be able to, but by mid august the skill will come back!

3) When I can't sleep at night I listen to children's story tapes. My favourite it "Wind in the Willows". It makes my brain stop whirling for long enough to go to sleep.

4) I learnt to play the piano for about 7 years and never took one single exam! I am still below grade 1 standard. I have admitted defeat! I have now married a superb piano player and he plays for me... lovely.

5) I have a overwhelming love for plastic boxes (and other boxes too, come to think of it). I get it from my mother. It is fortunately not a fatal addiction and I am in the stage of rehab where I can go into a shop and not buy yet another box. But it has been a struggle! :-)

6) If I has triple the amount of time and energy on top of being a full time mummy and home maker I would be a photographer and a theatre director. I love capturing things in pictures. Seeing beauty paused and saved. I also love the aliveness and directness that only happens in theatre. You really do create magic.

7) I broke my collarbone as a child. I was standing on a desk and my brother was throwing Velcro (there are over hooky fixes available!) darts at me. I fell off the desk. My mother did not believe me that anything was wrong (now I am mother I would probably react the same way "it isn't bleeding or visable hanging off so you are probably fine!") and only found out when, a few weeks later, took me to the doctors for something totally different!

So there you go... you know a little more about me than you did 10 minutes ago.

Two good things

2008-03-13T18:20:00.003Z

Two good things have happened this week (well, more than two really but these are the two I am going to mention!)

Thing one:
i am 20 weeks pregnant today. Which means I am halfway. This is really exciting. Although it is still a while off I am nearer the end than the beginning. I am also feeling the baby move around and it is great to feel lots of little kicks and wriggles. And in a few weeks we will be able to feel the baby from the outside. I can't wait for the girls to feel the baby move. Although we might not get anything done. They already spend far too much time navel gazing (mine, not there own!)

Thing Two:
I have stopped looking fat and now look pregnant! This may not seem a big deal but anyone who has been pregnant will know what I mean. I have got over the "is she chubby/is she pregnant?" look and now have a lovely bump. It has done wonders for my confidence. I really didn't like the chubby look but now I am showing off my new curve at every opportunity!

So there you go. They may not be earth changing things but I am glad of them.

The moments

2008-03-11T20:33:00.002Z

As you know I went on retreat a few weeks ago so I thought I would give you an update on how it has changed my life!!

I have tried, since I got back, to read a bit of the bible every day (I normally manage about a chapter). Then I have been doing what Sister J taught us and I take a verse that sticks out and think about it for a while and let it turn over in my mind. The length of time I get to do this really depends on the girls. some days it is just a few minutes but that doesn't matter because it is the next bit that is really important...
During the day I remember that verse. I am learning to find the moments of peace in my day. And in those moments I remember the verse and come back to God. I have discovered that even if they are 30 seconds long those moments are there. I just have to grasp them. It might be while I am making a cup of tea, walking to school, the girls are playing nicely together for a minute, I am on the toilet and not being helped! In a day there are lots of these pockets of time that we don't think about but they add up to a bit and they bring me back to God. To remembering who he is and that he is the one who sustains me.
These moments have brought me peace and strength and are just enough to see me through what life (or the girls) throw at me.

Tummy tot at 19 weeks

2008-03-11T15:47:00.006Z

Today was the day of tummy tots anomoly scan. This is where they have a really good look at the babyfrom head to toes and check that everything is where it should be and doing what it should be doing. They also do some measurements so check that the baby is growing well. It all went really well and everything is just as it should be. The lady doing the scan was fantastic and told us what she was looing at and what bits were where. It was fastinating and amazing and just really lovely to see this little baby kicking and waving and grabbing her/his toes. At this scan you can also find out the sex (if the baby is in the right place!). But we choose not to. There are too few surprises in life so we (and you) will have to wait another 20 weeks to find that out!

This is the not so good picture. Tummy tot was in a really bad position for photos, all curled up and cosy! The blobs are head on the left (with little hand above) and then body to the right and the end blob (just above the body is a leg. S/he is facing away from you.

This one is a lot better. Head to the right, spine going down to the left and then a bit of leg at the bottom.

If you want to "ooooo" over how much s/he has grown this is the link to the 16 week scan.

Tilly's birthday - part 2

2008-03-08T16:13:00.007Z

this is some photos from the last 2 years. Because I find trying to write things in the right place next to photos on blooger really traumatic you will just have to see just pictures. I will make sure they are order though!

Tilly's birthday - part 1

2008-03-08T15:39:00.011Z

Today is Tilly's 2nd birthday. We have had a lovely day and more importantly Tillys has had a lovely day.

This is first thing in the morning. We always open presents on our bed. We gave Tilly an iron and ironing board. she has been ironing all the washing, including my socks! Mammar and Grandad gave Tilly lots of play balls to go in the paddling pool.

They all went in our bed before they reached the paddling pool.

This is a bit blurred but had to show Tilly ironing on our bed!

These are for those who don't believe that Tilly looks like me...

This is me on my 2nd birthday.

Twinkle, twinkle

2008-03-07T21:43:00.003Z

In Martha's school they have a system of rewards. Every week one child from each class is "Star of the Week". This is because they have done particularly well at something or have worked hard at something. Well..... you have probably guessed it by now.....

MARTHA WAS STAR OF THE WEEK!

She got to stand up in assembly and everyone clapped her! And it on the weekly newsletter so everyone will see that my little girl is a star. She was made star because she has been consistently sitting really nicely and listening really well. These are two things she finds hard so I am doubly proud of her.

Must dash, I have to email proud grandparents the news letter!

"Under construction"

2008-03-07T13:47:00.004Z

I am wearing the first ever maternity top I bought today. It is red and has "under construction" written on it with little arrow pointing at the bump. I don't normally like clothes with things written on. I have huge problems finding t-shirts for the girls without stuff written on them. And I will not buy them ones provocative and sexualising things written on. Anyway.... on this occasion I think it fits. Not just that there is a baby slowly and quietly growing away inside me but that I too am under construction. I am not yet a finished product. There is some way to go. On some days there is a long way to go. The good news is that God isn't finished with me yet. He is willing to go the distance. He has a plan for my completion and He will see it through. I find it very comforting to know that although I am far from perfect one day I will be. It will most probably be in heaven, but I will get there. So all this striving and trying to get things right, have the right attitudes, be kind and loving, is not in vain. There is a reason for it all.

I also need to remember this with everyone I meet, be it a stranger or a friend or my husband and children. We are all under construction. We aren't done yet. And we need to help each other, encourage each other in this journey. I need to remember this and have patience and mercy. To remember that I cannot demand perfection from others when I am still on that journey too. Only God can and does demand that we are perfect. And being God He knew we couldn't do it. So He became Jesus and died for our wrongdoing so we could be perfect. He demands the impossible and makes it possible.

So the next time you are cross with me for being an idiot, please read the T-shirt, remember that I am “under construction” and be patient. Thanks.

Ponderings leading up to Tilly's birthday

2008-03-06T18:21:00.004Z

I haven't written anything in a while. I have been trying out a new morning routine and I have also had a background cold which has left me really tired So I have only drivel to say! But…

I have been thinking forward a lot to Saturday which is Tilly's 2nd birthday. Martha keeps saying it's her birthday soon and I have tried (and failed) to explain that she has to wait till May!

I have been thinking back over the last two years with Tilly. She changed our lives 2 years ago. She has helped me to grow and change in ways that Martha alone could never do. She has changed Martha too. Martha is very maternal and protective towards Tilly and always wants to help her (even when Tilly wasn't aware of wanting to be helped!) Tilly is such a bundle of joy. Her profile picture is what she is like most of the time.
When I was pregnant I wondered what another girl would be like. Would she be like a small Martha or totally different. And she is so different. I thank God that I just can't compare them, or I might be tempted. For a baby that weighed 8lbs 3oz, Tilly is tiny. She has gained a whole 5lbs in the last year (for those of you who don't know - that is not a lot!) She is still in 9-12month Pj's. She is small and petite. Martha is tall and always has been. I think this makes Tilly seem even smaller! Tilly has a small appetite but lots of energy. She is a light sleeper. She is overwhelming in love with her teddy, Wilbur. She uses him as pillow at night. She is clingy and a little bit shy. She has a small face with big features. Big blue eyes. She loves her Daddy best of all. She is amazing vocally and is using short sentences a lot now. She is beginning to want to use a potty. She has such love and kindness. She wants to help so much and she wants to join in so much. Her tinyness doesn't faze her and she resolutely climbs over and onto everything. She is determined. She loves living and being apart of life. She is joyous.

I must confess that I love this age. Just before the "terrible twos". When children think you are the best person ever. When they trust you so much and don't question everything. I know that children have to grow up and it is my great privilege to guide and teach them so they can face the world with courage in their hearts and a smile on their lips. I am so grateful that Nick and I don't do this alone. We have a great God who fills in the gaps. He gave us this impossible task and he also gives us everything we need in order that we can indeed achieve the impossible.

I know that Tilly won't forever be this little girl (although I don't think she will ever be huge!). She has to grow up. And I look forward to seeing the woman she will become. But I am grateful for now. Right now. Where she is small and still almost a baby. Although, as every mother knows, she will be my baby forever, no matter how big she gets.

In praise of mothers

2008-03-02T07:58:00.001Z

I have been blessed with 4 mothers. One biological, one given to me by my parents and two by marriage (my dad’s and my own). They are all very special ladies. I wanted to share a bit about each of them on this day, when mothers everywhere should be sitting with their feet up feeling loved by their children.
I will talk about them in the order I acquired them:

My Mother
Never Mum, often Mummy, sometimes Marmee, mostly Mother. I have put my mother through a lot. As I think all daughters do. But as a baby/child I had a lot of things done to my hips because I had clicky hips (hip joints that aren’t properly formed). I was in hospital a lot. Although I don’t remember this I have a great admiration for whatever my parents did in hospital. I feel like it could have left me one of two ways, with a great fear or a great peace about hospitals. I always feel very peaceful in hospitals, I even like the smell. I think about this now I have my own children and think how practical and no-nonsensey my mother was. It was good. It gave me a very good foundation.
I have always known, with both my parents, that no matter what I did or said they would love me. I grew up knowing that, being surrounded by it. It had a profound impact and is something that I want to pass on to my own children. It made me feel very secure.
My mother is a great support to me now. We spend a lot of time together and she is helpful without intruding. She helps with the girls a lot. I am grateful that she supports me without taking over. Gives advice without moaning (too much!) if I don’t follow it. She lets me be me.
Oscar Wilde said that “all women turn into their mothers, that is their downfall”. When I tell the girls to put their feet down and sit up properly it is my mother’s voice that comes out. It is sometimes scary but also quite comforting that wisdom passes down through women, mother to daughter. I look forward to the day when my girls complain they sound like me and I will say, with a smile on my face, …. “actually you sound like Granny!”

My Godmother
My parents choose this mother for me. And I will be forever grateful. She is an amazing lady who has loved, supported and cared for me for as long as I can remember. My mother once said that a Godparent should be an extra adult who is just yours. That is what my Godmother is for me. I have always felt very special to her. She is overwhelmingly caring. Even though we don’t see each other as much as I would like I know that she is always there for me. She has helped me through some difficult things and I hope that she knows just how much she has helped me. When I think of her home it is always a place of comfort and welcome. There is always a magazine for you to read, a blanket to put over you on the sofa, a cup of tea and a friendly chat. What more can I say. She is a super lady.

My Step Mother
When my father re-married I gained a stepmother. This could have been a really trying and difficult experience. But it wasn’t. This wasn’t because I were old (well, in my 20s). This is because of the love that this lady had for my father and this love flowed onto me and my brother. We were (and are) made to be most welcome in their house. And most welcomed by her. She didn’t just marry my father but she married into a family. And she takes that responsibility very seriously. She cares for me. She looks after me. She is always pleased to chat on the phone. She makes me feel greatly valued. I am thankful to have her in my life.

My Mother-in-law
There are a lot of jokes and not very nice comments about mother-in-laws. None of them are true here. My mother-in-law is kind and gentle and caring. She has raised 4 lovely children. She cares for them all deeply. Her relationship with Jesus flows into how she deals with people every day. I know that although we don’t see her as often as we would like that she is always supporting us with her prayers. They make a huge difference. She is always encouraging. She has made me feel truly welcome in her family. She is the reason that I have such a kind and loving husband. He learnt it from her.

In life you rarely get to choose your mother/s but I truly believe that you get the ones you do for a reason. All 4 of these lovely ladies have helped to guide, support and shape me. Today on this most motherly of days I want to say:
THANK YOU!

While I am busying...

2008-02-29T19:26:00.004Z

I am a bit busy at the moment writing a long(ish) post which is taking some thought. Which is why my rambling have been a bit sparse. Don't worry, all will be revealed in a few days.

In the mean time if you are missing having a blog to read can I recommend you take a look at this one http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com . It is written by a guy in America (don't hold it against him!) called Nathan. He is married to Tricia who has Cystic Fibrosis. She was about to go on the double lung transplant list when they found out she was pregnant. With the odds of either of them surviving being slim they trusted in God and went ahead with the pregnancy. Their daughter, Gwyneth Rose, was born at 25 weeks on the 8th of Jan, by emergancy C-section. She is a fighter and is doing well. Tricia just survived and has been up and down. She is fighter too. She is now sick/well enough to go back on the transplant list. They are just waiting for her new lungs now.
It sounds like a depressing story. But Nathan writes full of hope, humour and trust in God. It is a bit like a guy in the pub talking to you. I warn you though.... this blog is addictive. On the main page there is bit on the right which links to a post which says a bit about them. It is worth starting there.

Even if you don't check out this blog do please quickly pause now and send up a prayer for this family. They have really touched my heart.

Domestic bliss

2008-02-28T21:37:00.005Z

I wish you had been in my house this morning (that isn't just so that you could have done my ironing for me, while I sat with my feet up.) It was so you could have watched the scene that unfolded as I did the aforementioned ironing.

I swap toys around from upstairs to downstairs and vise versa. So today I brought our kitchen and kitchen things downstairs.
I left it all out for Tilly to play with whilst I did the ironing. I have never witnessed such industriousness. She pottered about so happily, chatting away. She cooked all sorts of things for me to try (some included Duplo men which had also come downstairs). Made me countless cups of tea. But most endearing of all was that she got a cushion from the sofa, sat Wilbur (her most beloved teddy) on it and loving fed and watered him. He got to try every dish. He got Duplo men to play with. He got hugs and kisses. He even got given more tea than me. Once she bumped her head (not very hard) and she got Wilbur to kiss it better.
She really is a little homemaker in the making. She delighted my heart and made my boring ironing a pleasure because I got to watch her. I hope that is love of homemaking grows and that I can help it to do that. Although when she gets to cook for real I will discourage her from using small plastic men in her recipes.

Some things about me

2008-02-27T15:45:00.003Z

I got an email from a friend. It is various questions about you when you then forward on to people and you get to learn a little about people. I thought I would post my answers here. You will notice that I have taken out some of the questions this is because they are about the fact that it is a forwarding email thing.

1 WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE
Nope
2 WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED
on Friday.When I had to leave the girls for the weekend
3 DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
Sometimes
4 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT
parma ham (can't eat it at the mo though)
5 DO YOU HAVE KIDS
Yes, two Martha (3) Tilly (1). oh, and one in progess
6 IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU
Hopefully. It depend if I was nice or not!
7 DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT
not really, pre-school children don't get it
8 DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
No. And I am glad
9 WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP
Even without being pregnant the answer would be NO WAY
10 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL
Don't really have one. I like rice crispies because you can also use them to make crispie cakes
11 DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF
No, then I am cross when I come to put them on.
12 DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG
Physically? well i have given birth naturally twice, that aside not really. Emotionaly? Depends how pregnant I am. Spiritually? Yes
13 DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH
YES. YES, YES. Jesus went and came back and went again. can't wait.
14 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM
Ben and Jerry's Phish food
15 WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE
Their eyes or their hands
16 RED OR PINK
Pink (I am the mother of two girls)
17 WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
My profile
18 WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
Jo Wakia in Africa. Every day.
20 WHAT COLOR TROUSERS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING
Not wearing either at the moment - I am wearing other things though
21 WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE
If you don't count toothpaste...A fox's crunchy cream biscuit.
22 WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
The computer hum and waiting for "MUMMY"
23 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE
Dark purple
24 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL
Washing that had dried outside, my children when they have just woken up.
25 WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE
My mother. for our daily check up
27 FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
Show jumping and dressage
28 EYE COLOR
Green-grey depending on mood
29 DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
No
30FAVOURITE FOOD
At the moment blood oranges - this baby can't get enough of them
31 SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS
Happy endings every time
32 LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED
I think it was Notting Hill
33 WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING
Red maternity top
34 HUGS OR KISSES
depends what sort
35 FAVORITE DESSERT
Lemon Meringue Pie (yet another food I can't have till this baby come out)
38 WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW
Agatha Rasin by BC Beaton. Meant to be reading Spot of Bother for book club
39 WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD
Don't have one
40 WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT
Don't have one.
41 ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES
Beatles.
42 WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME
Thailand
43 DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT
Yes. When I am not pregnant - I can sit with my knees to my chest and my heels touching my bottom without holding my legs there (go on try it). I can also fold a terry toweling nappy (like your mum used to use)
44 WHERE WERE YOU BORN
St. Albans Hospital

Memo from God

2008-02-25T18:24:00.003Z

This was on a prayer card at the back of church:

"I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in my time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it or remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep or slumber, there is no need for you to lose sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away."

Praying with colour

2008-02-24T22:05:00.007Z

These are the pictures that I did while I was at Turvey. They each go with a verse that struck me. I used that verse to pray and kept bringing it to mind when I was drawing. They were all drawn in a book which is why they have scanned in a bit wobbly in places. There is one missing that I haven't done yet. I will add it here but post about it above so you can have another look. I will write the phrase that they are based on before each one.

On desert Paths

Your sins are as scarlet

He welcomes sinners

I shall be waiting for you

The hour of favour has come

If only you knew

My retreat

2008-02-24T19:45:00.004Z

I have had a great weekend away at Turvey Abbey. (You can google it) It is a Catholic Benedictine convent and monastery. I went to a silent, lead retreat called: On desert Paths. It was themed around Lent.

It was silent in the fact that you didn't have to talk to anyone else. (There were 10 of us there.) But if you want the jam then you ask for it quietly. It makes you thin about what you say. It means that you can spend time with God and not feel obliged to chat to people. For someone who is not good at small talk this was great.

It was lead in the fact that we had 5 sessions as a group, each for about an hour. These were lead meditation/contemplations on passages in the bible. Sister J (who was simply lovely) led these. We did something called Lectio Devina! In a nutshell - you read a passage, pick out a word of phrase that strikes you, ponder it over and over, and let God speak to you through it. We heard each passage read out loud twice and watched a power point with nice pictures to go along with it. There was a gap between each reading of about 5 - 10 mins. At the end we all wrote the phrase which we had been contemplating on a piece of paper and put it in the middle, reading it aloud.

There were also all the chapel services which we could go to if we wanted to. The first was at 6.10am (that is right - AM). I decided to try and go to all of them (I'm not sure why - I guess for my retreat it was part of the experience). And I managed. I was a couple of minutes late for the one at 6.10 as I only got out of bed at 6.05!

So the day was mainly filled with those two things. We also eat lots of delicious food (in silence) and had time to pray, create pictures, and explore the surrounding area. The grounds surrounding the convent and the building themselves were beautiful. It was a very peaceful place to be. The nun's made us feel very welcome. It was a lovely place and a lovely time. I do hope to go back.

Lessons that I hope won't retreat!

2008-02-24T19:07:00.005Z

These are the main things I have learnt over my weekend away. They are in no particular order and I reserve the right to add to them at any time!

Quiet - There is really power in being quiet. It made me realise that so much of what we say isn't needed. There has to be balance of course, but I think that I need to think before speaking. This is particularly true when in "discussion" with Martha. I need to be quieter, not louder. There is real power in that.

Interruption - At Turvey they have 5 services a day. On top of that we had 5 meditation sessions over the weekend and meals etc. Every time you get into something you had to stop and go into a service or a group session or eat something. Sister J says the 5 services can be like a constant interruption. But that is why they are necessary. They bring you back to what is important. Why you are there.
I was walking in the garden on Saturday and said to God: I came here to get away from interruption and I am constantly being interrupted. God said: I know. It has to be like your life or you won't learn how to take the lesson back with you. I said: Damn! But, as ever, God was right. I have to find the moments to meet with him in my everyday life. If I am interrupted then that is fine. It is ok. God will be waiting for the next moment. And it reminded me that He is in all the moments. Whether I am focusing on him or not.

To be in both places - I felt a bit mean leaving Nick and the girls to go off by myself. On the Friday night in chapel I realised that I needed to be there, sitting with Jesus, in order to be able to do what he wants me to do in the rest of my life. In those moments (sometimes weekends) is when I get the strength I need to do the other things. And they are not selfish but vitally important.

Different ways of praying - We were encouraged to use colour in our prayers. You think of a piece of Scripture and draw with what ever colour comes to mind. This is a form of prayer that I have been doing for a while in various ways but have always felt is a bit silly. It was great having it put forward. It is a great way of letting the word sink into you. I drew various pictures over the weekend which will appear in another post (as long as they scan in ok!)
There are lots of different types of prayer. They all have a place and they are all good. Try them out. See what works. And remember that different things suit a certain season.

As you can see I brought a lot back with me. I hope that I will be able to carry some of this into my daily life. But I do know that it was not in vain and God really used this time. I hope to go back there soon (well once can leave the tummy tot!)

Another lesson learnt

2008-02-22T10:15:00.003Z

Martha was very tired the other evening. She had got to the point where everything was wrong and she couldn't do a thing about it. Apart from go to bed, which she didn’t want to do. So in her most 3 year old way she said to me:
"You're not my friend any more!"
"Well, you are always my friend, and I will always love you, Martha."

It didn't sink in to her then (although after a good nights sleep she declared me her friend again). But it struck me. How often so I say this to God. In all sorts of ways. In the use of my time. In my actions, the way I treat others. In the way I ignore Him until it is 4.30pm and the girls are driving me mad and I call upon the whole of heaven to "please help!"
The lesson I learnt is that, like me with Martha, God is always my friend. He will always be there waiting for me to come back to him. Waiting to listen, comfort, advise, correct and guide. All I need to do it stop and turn to him.

I am hoping to do this for the next few days. I am going away to a convent on retreat. (This is why you won't hear much from me till Monday). There I hope to sit on God's lap and gain insight and re-freshment, all ready for the next bit of life.

The flowers on my window sill

2008-02-21T13:01:00.004Z

My husband is a lovely man and he loves me very much. He shows me this in many ways. He does not show me this by buying me flowers. I have come to terms with this and see his love in other things. But it does mean I am flowerless.... until now....

I realised that I can buy myself flowers now and then. It is strange that it has taken this long to realise this simple truth. Flowers bought for myself still count. They are still just as nice. They remind me that I am loved. By many people. I don't buy expensive ones (at the moment it is a small bunch of daffodils). I put them on my kitchen window sill. Our kitchen faces the wrong way and gets no sunlight so it can be a bit dreary. But now when I go in, or I am doing the washing up, there they are looking cheery and bright. A little bit of sunshine in my kitchen. They make me smile.

So if you don't have anyone to buy flowers for you. (Or someone who just doesn't show love that way). Don't despair. Go out and buy your own. Put them somewhere you see a lot. And every time you look at them, remember the God who made them and say "I am loved".

An outing and a bit of an advert!

2008-02-19T13:29:00.011Z

A few weeks ago we went on a family outing to Hatfield Forest. This is a really old forest that is preserved by using ancient coppacing techniques. This is great as it lets trees died naturally and be a home to millions of lovely insects. Here are some pictures of the day.

As you can see it was a cold day and not really picnic weather. But that didn't stop us! Luckily, there is a little place that sells tea and food, so Nick and I hugged cups of tea and tried to stay warm. The girls didn't seem to care, they were too busy pulling silly faces for the camera!

It was very muddy everywhere both of the girls delighted in being able to trap about in it. Tilly loved the squeechy noises.

Both the girls have the most amazing Waterproof dungerees. When you have small children you get used to strangers talking to you. It started when Martha was new-born, then went onto her fantastic curly hair, the fact that I use cloth nappies, and put Tilly in a sling. Now whenever someone comes up to me it is always about there trousers. Martha's (as you can see) are red and Tilly's yellow. They are made by Rukka in Finland by people who know about dressing for harsh weather. They aren't silly Mac material but proper waterproof, windproof, anything proof fabric. (If you go sailing then think of oilskins.) They go in the washing machine. Because they are dungerees you can by then huge and just keep making them bigger. They have straps to go over wellies to keep them pulled down. And they have revolutionised my life. Suddenly outside in winter is an option. Because you just bung them over what ever they are wearing and they stay warm and dry inside. I saw so many people at Hatfield forest (and elsewhere) spending their time telling their children to stay out of the mud, not roll around on the grass etc. and all they need is these trousers and the stress would be gone. Instead of ending up with a cross mummy because of very dirty clothes and a grumpy child who is wet and soggy, everyone is happy.

Advert over.

We had a great day. It was lots of fun and nice to just be together as a family.

The apple hasn't fallen far.

2008-02-18T11:06:00.004Z

I know that people will disagree but I have a theory that Martha looks like Nick but is like me. And Tilly looks like me but is like Nick. As demonstrated in the following story:

We had come in from somewhere and Martha had gone into the living room, taken her shoes off and dumped them. In our house shoes live on a nice rack by the front door. This way you know where they are and you don't spend your life tripping over small shoes.

“Martha can you put your shoes away please?"

Pause where the cogs in her brain whirr (I really could hear them!)

"Tilly, you put my shoes (a)way please?"
Tilly picks up the shoes and walks quite happily to the rack and put them away.

Stunned (and slightly impressed) silence from me!

I would like to add that I have, particularly since having the girls, worked very hard to overcome this ... ability, shall we say... of getting away with being lazy! But for Martha the slippery slope of turning into her mother has come early!

Just so you know...

2008-02-17T22:02:00.003Z

We have got some friends coming to stay for a few days so I might not get a chance to post much. On the other hand they might provide me with lots of anecdotes! Just didn't want you to think I had vanished without trace or was trapped under something heavy.

Two things before I go to bed though:

One - The girls wanted to sleep in the same bed tonight. Martha had got Tilly’s bear (Wilbur) and had tucked them. It was so cute to see them all snuggled up, heads together on one pillow. I am really pleased that they like each other a lot. And pray like mad that it will continue all their lives.
Two- I want to make a very public thank you to my lovely husband who is at this very moment cleaning out the fish. This is a job that he doesn’t really like but he has done it faithfully for the last 2 years now. Thank you Nick. You are great.

Night night.

Lord, give me patience. Make it quick!

2008-02-17T18:11:00.006Z

It has been a hard few days with the girls. They both have colds. Tilly's is mainly moaning and drippy nose based. Martha's consists of a really dry horrid cough. This normally appears in the evening and in the morning. She has been a bit sick from coughing once and so we are trying to prevent it happening again. (There is only so much washing I can cope with!)

The last 2 days she has been up at 5 AM coughing. In case you didn't know, there is about 3 hours between 5.50am and 6.10am. I don't know how some people get up at 5. It just seems wrong. I see that number on the clock and I think.... NO! It is time for more sleep.
Anyway. I have been awake since 5 this morning. Martha coughed on and off for about an hour and did finally go back to sleep for a little bit (till 6.30am). But I didn't really. So the day started off tired.

Tilly has been really moany. She just wants to be held. And by Daddy. Not Mummy. Daddy. (I'm really looking forward to tomorrow!) She really didn't want to go down for her nap today. I was trying to get a bit of sleep so I would function for the rest of the day and Nick was hoovering out the car. I just wanted her to stop shouting and GO TO SLEEP. I was so cross and tired. It felt so unfair. I went in and accidentally trod in a tiny bit of sick from all her coughing. Which really improved my sate of mind! And Tilly just looked ... damp. And wretched. And I realised that underneath all my crossness and tiredness there was love. Lots and lots of love. I just had to stop look underneath all the grumpiness and there it was, all the time.

My children drive me mad some days. And we have had a few recently. But I love them in such an overwhelming way. All I needed to do was pay attention to the love and not to the black cloud over my head and their un-reasonable behaviour (although still un-reasonable) was bearable.

God pointed out to me that this season in my children's lives is designed to teach me, not them, patience. (Their turn comes later.) And like all things worth learning this takes time. And struggle. And bad days. And good days. Success and failure. I will get there in the end.

And then I will be in the perfect position to teach them. I look forward to that. That and making them get up at stupidly early hours when they don’t want to!

A lenten rant

2008-02-16T20:49:00.005Z

We are in the season of Lent.

In case you don't know what that is: it is the 40 days before Easter. It is a time when Christians spend a bit of time thinking about what Jesus did for them on the cross. It is a time to prepare for Easter Sunday and the resurrection. In the past people used to fast during lent. That is why we have pancakes on Shrove Tuesday (the day before lent starts) it was to use up all the nice things like sugar that people didn't then eat through out the 40 days.

In the bible 40 days is a big deal. It appears over and over again. Once Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days before he starts all the main bits of his ministry (all the healing, preaching etc). He needed that time in which to think and to pray. To be with God. To focus. And that is what lent is for.
Now-a-days lots of people give things up. A good friend of mine usually gives up chocolate. And hopefully when they want to do/eat that thing they remember how much Jesus gave up. It is a way of remembering. (My friend also then went on to give the money saved to charity - which I was always impressed with. The sacrifice went out from herself to help other people).
This is what lent is about. And that is why I am so horrified that whereever I go I am bombarded with Easter eggs. (I could write a whole other post on my disagreement with these most un-biblical of items but that will have to wait, along with Father Christmas!)

I went to a supermarket today and Easter eggs were everywhere. Not just the "seasonal" ailse. (Where they have been since just after Christmas) but on the tops of shelves, at the end of aisles, you are constantly tripping over the things. Am I the only one who thinks that this is totally inappropriate? I can see their point of view that greedy consumers want to spread the cost of Easter. But really! Do they have to be everywhere I go? We are in lent not Easter.
I was also looking at Easter cards and they all had fluffy bunnies, chicks, eggs and some made a nod at Christianity but having a flower-decked rural church. Easter is not just about new life, it is about old life renewned.

I feel sad when I think how much society has dulled down the Christian message, hijacking its festivals. Easter should be about Jesus, not chocolate eggs. Not only are they totally unrelated to the message of Easter (although some quite tenuous links have been made) but they are an obscene waste of money and a huge waste in packaging. We need to change this. We need to fight the consumerism. Make a new tradition. Do lent in a special way. Make lent a journey. I want my children to grow up and see this hype for what it is. I want them to know about Jesus' death and resurrection. I want them to use lent as a time to reflect. This is such a valuable time. We have to reflect before we can move onwards into all that God has in store. When we remember Jesus on the cross we remember that he was put there for us. Instead of us. And it is then that Easter Sunday can become real. We are free to celebrate because not only have we died with Jesus, but we have also been raised up with him.

When we get to Easter it should be a time of wonderful celebration. Any self imposed sanctions on ourselves are lifted. And we can remember God's amazing blessings on us. Please let us try to see through all this pre-Easter hype. And remember that this is a time to remember the cross. The resurrection is to come. Waiting is part of the process, so don't rush it.

New profile picture

2008-02-15T21:29:00.002Z

Some people have been complaining that the picture of me wasn't very flattering and that people might actually want to see what I really look like. So to humour them i have changed my profile picture.
Hope you like it.

Have you got your bag of night lights?

2008-02-15T12:50:00.004Z

Yesterday was a busy day. We had swimming in the morning and then we zoomed off to collect Granny (my mother) and then we went to Ikea.

My mother and I love Ikea. If it just had natural day light we might never leave. I think it is the element of nosiness. You get to see what other peoples houses might look like. I also love being able to try out everything. All the sofas, chairs, beds, you name it really.
There is the lovely cafe (including free tea/coffee if you are a member of Ikea family). We go to Wembley Ikea which has a great area in the cafe for children to play whilst you sit at a high breakfast bar round the edge and occasionally post food to them. It is much needed break before you head on to the market place.
Then there is the huge array of things you never knew you needed. The amount of lovely storage things, including plastic boxes - which my Mother and I adore. Totally bargains to be had. And of course no trip to Ikea would be complete without the largest bag of night lights in the world.

And there is a stress free element about taking the girls. They are allowed, even encouraged to touch everything. And my girls love touching things. They get it from me. I don't really feel I have seen something until I have touched it. They had tea parties. They jump on beds, with their shoes on. They opened every cupboard in the place. In one lovely moment I found Martha sitting in an armchair with wine glass next to her on a small table. I felt like we fast forwarded about 20 years!
Martha is now old enough to go into the children’s play area. So we get to go through the crockery section with out her. She gets to play in ball pool. So we all win.

I know there are people who will disagree (my poor friend has spent about 3 months of her life in Ikea trying to sort out buying a kitchen). I know that it is very cleverly designed so that you spend the maximum amount of money. It is the "oooo, it only costs £1.99. You can't go wrong." Oh, how all the little things can all add up if you aren't strong willed. But for me it is a treat. It feels like an exciting day out. You shop without really shopping.

Now, where shall I put these night lights? What I really need is a nice plastic box...

Tummy Tot

2008-02-15T11:20:00.001Z

A picture paints a thousand words. Enough said.

Something I want to remember

2008-02-13T18:15:00.006Z

I am sure that all mothers of small children sometimes look at them and think... Help, you are going to grow up into a psycho! This is normally when you are standing outside a shop with your child screaming and hanging onto the door handle because you asked them to do something totally un-reasonable like getting onto the buggy board.

Then there are other moments. They are the ones when you know that everything will be alright. Your children will (hopefully) become nice and reasonable members of the human race.
This was one of those moments.

The girls had gone up stairs and I was cutting up broccoli for dinner. It had gone a bit quiet and so, as I have learnt this lesson, I went up to check. They were in my bedroom. I braced myself. Then I heard Martha talking quite quietly to Tilly. So I peered in.

They were lying snuggled under the duvet with Martha holding my book for them both to look at and she was telling her a story. It was loosely based on Cat in the Hat. But she was adding in new bits here and there when her memory failed her. It was such a beautiful moment. I crept away knowing that all will be well.

Swimming lessons day 3

2008-02-13T15:49:00.005Z

Today's achievement is that Martha had some of the floats taken off. They use these very clever hard foam disks round their arms. Martha has had two on each arm so far and today she has gone down to one on each arm.
It is really great to see her so happy in the water and moving, at will, in the direction she is meant to be going in.
Unfortunately, Tilly had a turn for the worse today and was very insistent that she had to have swimmies on too. This only really stopped when she discovered some small plastic chairs that she then spent a happy 20 mins re-arranging for the teddy shaped floats.

If only we could all be that easily distracted from our woes.

Don't let her size fool you

2008-02-12T18:12:00.001Z

Tilly is going to be 2 in March. For all of you whose maths is a bit shaky that makes her 1. She is doing really well in her speech. Brought about largely by great brain power! No, I am kidding, I think it is a lot to do with having a sister who talks to her in a simple way that is easy for her to copy. She uses a lot of two word sentences, sometimes three.

Yesterday, after breakfast, it was time to get Tilly dressed. She was padding around upstairs clad in her PJ's.
"Time to get dressed Tilly, time to put clothes on."
.
.
.
"No. Jarmas on. I don't ont (want) clothes."

We, at any rate, were speechless.

Swimming lessons

2008-02-12T15:19:00.001Z

Martha is learning to swim. This is not elegant or graceful at the moment. Dolphins leaping majestically through the waves do not spring to mind. But it is very exciting.

There is a lovely chap in our church who is also a swim teacher. He runs crash swimming courses in half term holidays. So Martha has a half hour lesson every day. A lot of the lesson is singing songs, getting used to having a wet face and getting them moving round in the water. Technique comes later. There are only 5 children in her lesson, including her. So she gets lots of help and encouragement.

In two days she has come on incredibly. She has never swum without an adult holding onto her before, and on day one she was covered in floats and kicking around completely out of her depth. She also doesn't like getting a wet face in swimming pools. Well, today she had her face half in the water and was blowing bubbles! She is having a wonderful time, gaining huge amounts of confidence and sleeping like a baby!

What are Tilly and I doing during this? Well, mostly we sit on the side and cheer.
Tilly is slowing getting the hang of this. Yesterday (day one) she got her swimming costume out of the drawer in the morning, spent the whole time at the pool trying to take her clothes off and demanding "My turn, my swim". I think she has grasped it now that this is Martha's time. So instead of swimming in the water, she is swimming out of it. This is great fun to watch.

I am also really enjoying sitting in a warm, sunny room on a sun lounger. If you close your eyes it could be summer.

What I have done when I wasn't blogging

2008-02-11T15:22:00.001Z

I don't know whether it is the sunshine or the fact that I have hit my second trimester but I have energy once again. Hooray! (For those that don't know the placenta takes over sustaining the baby in the 2nd trimester - about 14 weeks - and so you have loads of energy. Well compared to being a sleeping blob! It is a great time before you get too big to move.)

I have been achieving queen this last week. But to put it into perspective you must bear in mind that I haven't done anything in weeks. Make that months really. I think that my children and husband probably thought I had become part of the sofa. So it is really quite a turn around. And do you know what? I feel a lot better for it. And I think my family like having clean clothes to wear and a tidy(ish) house to live in.

So here is my list, in the last week I have:

cleaned out the fridge,
re-arranged and cleared under the stairs,
hovered everywhere,
cleaned the bathroom and down stairs toilet,
re-arranged the bedroom,
cleared out my wardrobe,
am up to date with the ironing,
gone through the girls toys,
taken bags to the charity shop and thrown frightening amounts away.

Wow, it looks even better written out like that!

Now all I have to do is try and not go too mad and learn to pace myself again. I read a great book which said you just have to do a little each day. (I used to do this before I became pregnant and so very tired!) Clean the bathroom one day, tidy one shelf the next. It really works too. You end up achieving loads and not feeling so shattered that you need to lie down for the next day.

By the way, if this list makes you feel bad/under-achieving in anyway then you need to come and see my study. Just looking at it makes me need to lie down and rest!

Answers on a postcard please!

2008-02-10T10:18:00.000Z

Martha talks a lot about the tummy tot. (Remember she is 3.) She spends ages looking at drawing of babies in tummies and photos of me pregnant with her, and then with Tilly. And photos of her as a baby. Along with this have come a lot of questions. We have told her that when my tummy gets very big then the baby will be big enough to come out.
"When the baby grows then "pop" it comes out your tummy". "Yes, Martha something like that."... A bit later whilst pulling up my top to see my tummy... "Where's the hole the baby pops out? Can I see the hole?" .....
I was always told to just answer the question being asked, truthfully and age appropriately.
So I said what I suspect millions of mother have said before...

"Shall we get some chocolate Martha?"

Well it bought me more time if nothing else!

The joys of re-arranging

2008-02-09T22:12:00.000Z

I am meant to be going to bed. I am quite tired and I will be grumpy tomorrow but I decided to have a quick blog first.
Tonight I am going to bed feeling very invigorated. And do you want to know why.... if you don't then turn off the computer now.... still with me.... lovely.

I love decorating. It is probably a good thing that we can't decorate because I would probably be doing it all the time. So instead I re-arrange. I look at Nick with a glint in my eye and say.... "Nickkkkkk..... Can we just move a few things around?" The normal reply is "Does it involve the piano or any bookcases?" If it does then we normally drag our friends round to help! If not then he normally says.... ok.... and we get to it.
My lovely husband and I rearranged our bedroom furniture today. It may seem mad but I love moving furniture. It is great. It makes it all feel new and exciting. All for free. Well nearly for free - I did have to go out and buy a bedside table. But then I got to do DIY, another favourite thing.

Go on try it.... move stuff around. See what the sofa looks like under that window. Have you ever thought about your bed not being in a corner but the middle, or vise versa? You will be surprised, suddenly you have a whole new house.

I am off now to enjoy a well deserved rest in my brand new bedroom. Good night.

Why I choose to stay at home - part 2

2008-02-08T20:17:00.000Z

A wise women once said (ok... it was written on some blog I read!) that if you want a child to sweep the floor at 14 then they have to sweep the floor at 2. This makes a lot of sense to me. It is about teaching and setting up good habits. My girls are at the age where they love helping. They love sweeping, doing the washing, cleaning the bathroom, cooking, washing up...the lot. And so that needs to be harnessed so that as they grow up they don't lose that enthusiasm. And for the times when it wanes it is so ingrained that they just get on with it. I am a great believer that as a family we all need to pull together to get things done, especially keeping the household running smoothly.

"Good point Amy. But when are you going to get onto staying at home?" Wellll.... I am really amazed at how much life has slowed down since having children. Walking with a toddler can be a painstaking, patience stretching venture. It once took 45 mins to do the 5 mins walk to the post box. Every last leaf, twig, stone, puddle had to be looked at. But do you know what, I had the time. So we did it. Martha's way. (Sometimes we do things Mummy's way but more on that another time!)

If I worked I would be busy. My time with my children would be limited. I simply wouldn't have the time to teach my children to sweep the floor, to clean a bathroom, to make homemade cake. I would try and rush through those things. "I need to get this done" would be my catch phrase. Instead I am blessed with time. Instead I can say: "let’s do it together nice and slowly. You try and I will be here to help" and then I can wait and help and let them do it in their own time. Because that is the way they will learn. There is nothing like chores and helping out for building confidence. There is so much to get right. It is great.

I am glad to stay at home and have the time to teach my children. Then when they go to homes of there own they will know what needs to be done and how. And it the mean time I will eventually get to put my feet up while they get me a cup of tea and do the washing up!

FHBH

2008-02-07T21:36:00.001Z

I went to the midwife today and took Martha with me. She is really getting to grips with the fact that there is a baby in my tummy, even though she can't see it. She said to the midwife today "when the baby gets big, then "pop" it comes out a hole!!" She replied (with a large smile): "yes, that is exactly what happens!"
After checking my wee and my blood pressure (both fine - amazing how relaxed you get about everything on the 3rd time round. Here I am mentioning wee for the whole internet to read!) We came to the reason that Martha and I were both there.... to listen to the baby.
The midwife found the heart beat with no problems and Martha and I listened transfixed to the gentle thud, thud, thud, thud. It was amazing and Martha stood dead still, just listening (a real feat for her, especially when she is excited). S/he is in there, growing away... very cool.

Then there was just time for the midwife to write my notes. FHBH - Fetal Heart Beat Heard.

The best four letters in the world

Should I be concerned or proud? - part 2

2008-02-07T10:39:00.000Z

..... So I went into my bedroom and found my two lovely daughters had found my make up and were covered in it. They particularly liked my very expensive foundation. It was all over the bed, towels, faces, arms, legs... you name it.
I am really glad it was bath night last night!
At least I can laugh and chalk it up to experience (and make a mental note to check on them quickly if it all goes quiet!). Oh yes, and have a "chat" with Martha about asking before rummaging through my bed side table.
One more lesson learnt... and motherhood continues with me a little bit wiser!

Why I choose to stay at home - part 1

2008-02-06T17:55:00.000Z

A number of people ask why I choose to stay at home with my small children. Here in England it is becoming more and more common for mothers to go back to work. It saddens me to think of the time they are missing out on (the children and the mothers).
I am under no illusions. It is hard to stay at home, to be interrupted all the time, to be "helped" when going to the toilet, to cook and clean, to repeat things over and over and over and over. I am also aware that I am not (nor will I ever be) the perfect mother. I can only do my best (and sometimes that is quite enough of a challenge). But I wouldn't miss this time for anything. How long do we have our children for? How long will they want us around for? The other day Martha told me I am her best friend, how could I become that if I never saw her.
I have decided to be there. Physically present in my children's lives.
I used to look after a little boy and walk him home from the school bus. On the journey home he would tell me about his day, what had happened, how he was. Once he spent the whole journey telling me one joke (which I might put up here if you are very lucky!). By the time we got home the time had passed. He was tired and wanted to chill out. The time for talk had gone. I got to share that time, his mother didn't and that saddened me and made me realise that I wanted that time with my children.
I will never know in advance when something major is going to happen and I would hate it to be on the day when someone else was there. I would miss it.

So I may not be the best mother, I may get cross, I may shout and be grumpy. But I will be there. I will learn this new life, this new task that I and God have set me. And with His help it will be a success. Maybe not in the way I expect.
But in the way that really matters.

Should I be concerned or proud?

2008-02-06T15:29:00.000Z

I have just walked into my kitchen to find that Martha had pulled her chair up to the work top and had made, by herself and for herself, a slice of bread with chocolate spread on it! Bless her heart, she had even washed up the knife.
I thought she had gone all quiet.
So on one hand I am proud that she has shown such skill on the other hand I am thinking..."ARGHHHHHHHH....."

ooooo... it has all gone very quiet in my bedroom and both girls are in there... what will I discover this time.

First ever Parent/Teacher consultation

2008-02-04T22:13:00.000Z

I went to my first ever (and first of many) parent/teacher consultations this afternoon. I have to confess that I was terrified. Were they going to say that Martha was horrid, that I was a bad mother, that Martha was horrid because I was a bad mother! To top it all Martha's teacher is younger than me and so it all feels a bit odd.
I need not have worried one jot. Not only is Martha lovely (if a bit "lively") I am a good mother!
PHEW!
Why do I set such store in what one person thinks....? It is mad. I see proof every day of Martha being so kind to me and Tilly it makes me want to cry. (I also see a lot of proof of the "lively" side, but more on that another time!) I also see her growing into someone who is strong-minded but very gentle, loud and yet encouraging. The other day I had got there snack all ready on the side in the kitchen and she took Tilly's hand and said "You come with me, I'll look after you. We get your snack." I can't even blame the hormones for making me cry at that one.
So, you see, all my fears where groundless and out of place. I need to pay attention to what is in front of me every day. And remember that no one knows my little girl like I do. How long will I be able to say that for? And if she is doing ok, then it is ok for me to admit that I have something to do with that.
It was a good meeting and Martha's teacher was kind, thoughtful and helpful. I came away feeling very proud of my little girl. But really I was proud all the time.
It was just really nice that someone who apparently "knows things" agrees with me.

Why I decided to blog

2008-02-04T15:23:00.000Z

A number of people have been a bit surprised when I mention that I have started a blog. "Why?" they cry. "Welllll..." and so I thought I would write the answer here and then I can say "Ahhhh.... well you will have to read it to find out!"
It started because I came across a number of blogs and enjoyed reading them. I have also found them very helpful. (I read a lot about homemaking and looking after small children, so there are lots of tips and anecdotes) And I kept thinking...oooohhhh I could do this. It might be fun. I really enjoy writing and have a lot to say, so why not say it somewhere where it can be read, if you want to that is!
Then I came across a blog from some of our family who have moved to New Zealand. It has been great reading about them and what they are up to. That led me to thinking about all those people I don't see much (and would like to see more). I realised that this is really a perfect way of keeping in touch with what we are up to. Then they can read it when they have a chance and comment as the like.
It is of course also a chance for me to rant about my favourite subjects (cloth nappies and sanitary towels, the importance of staying at home with young children, pregnancy and birth etc)
So here it is ... my blog. Feel free to stick your oar in when you want.
I hope you enjoy reading it.

Saturday's Pancake party

2008-02-03T12:19:00.000Z

We had a great time last night at the Rowe's annual pancake party.(Thank you Rowe's for your hospitality) As it was over the girls dinner time I took along some tuna to counteract the huge quantities of sugar they would consume. (Nick made a pancake with curly whirly, chocolate orange, toffee sauce and I think marsh mallows in as well. It looked sooo sickly but he seemed to be very happy with it!)

Martha had a great time letting out her most boisterous side during a huge pillow fight with about 4 "big boys". It was great to just let her get on with it and know that she was a fair match for any of them! Tilly spent the time walking right through the middle of it all and coming out remarkably unhurt.
It was lovely to see Tilly gaining confidence. Normally in this situation she would stay by Nick's side (or mine if Daddy is no where to be found!) but she soon gained confidence and would wonder away to play and then come back to check we hadn't run off with out her.

When we got home Nick was taking of Tilly's shoes and made a remarkable discovery... she was wearing two right shoes. Luckily the owner of the second right shoe was willing to trade for a left shoe. Otherwise Tilly might have ended up walking in circles.

I am so pleased that we belong to a church where it is a community. We spend time together, enjoying each others company and of course plenty of pancakes with a bewildering number of toppings.

In the beginning was an empty page

2008-02-02T15:45:00.000Z

Well, I have spent a good view hours moving things around, deciding whether I like spots or other backgrounds, hunting down family piccies and then I looked at the finished product and realised there was this big gaping hole. And then the truth dawned. The whole thing was not about layout at all but a chance for me to write stuff down and maybe for people to read them.
That was the point when it all became a bit daunting (how long does it take until someone reads your blog and does/should it matter anyway?). So I had a little post lunch nap while the girls where resting and Nick was in charge and tried to think of something to say.....
More on that later I think!